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What's this barrel up to!?

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And even though you're on the edge of your seat, it's been a while, so you look down at your watch to see how long this has gone on. For all you know, you're not even in the auditorium anymore. For all YOU know, you're not even in Vegas! All you see are dark panels of wood, a ring of metal, and some kind of barrel-esque top.

Are you trapped in the barrel!? That's when the panic sets it. You can't quite make out the words, but it doesn't matter because the voices are now drowned out by the sounds of a rickety chainsaw sputtering to life. You're pretty sure this is all part of the act, but dang if you're heart's not beating out your chest. Penn AND Teller take you by the hand to help you out.

You don't even notice that they've cut you clean in half. You don't even care! There you are, legs stage left and torso rolling around on the floor, and you'll be darned if you don't feel brand new again. As you start to process the whole wild adventure, Penn begins uttering a string of incantations in a voice as elemental as the roiling core of the earth itself.

There you are, looking up from your watch, sitting in your original seat, legs and torso intact. Now you're the only one in the theater.

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It's nothing but you and the barrel now. You don't know it yet, but it's forty years later, the theater has been abandoned, and your children are grown. They will never understand what you've been through, just as you will never fully comprehend the impact your disappearance had on their formative years. But none of that matters now. You haven't aged and it's the future. Plus, like we said, you still don't know about how it's 40 years later yet. Where is my family? Who is the president?

Do we even have presidents anymore? It's then that an elderly bellhop, wizened and stooped as a gnarled oak, shuffles up to you. He lays his hand on your shoulder and you swear you can hear the crinkling of his vellum skin. In perhaps the reediest voice you've ever heard, he says, "Listen. I can't even remember if I'm the one who talked or didn't talk in our act, and even though I can access Future Wikipedia through my in-brain Bio-WiFi, I just don't really have the time or inclination to do it.

I'm old and I don't need the world's super-computer to tell me what I don't know. Besides, I haven't paid my Internet bill to Cyborg-Corp in months, so probably it doesn't even work anyway. That's not the point.

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The point is this: You were the man we sawed in half. Now it is 40 years later to the day. You are whole physically, but your psyche lays splintered before you. I should have used some kind of promo code or something? Are you sure it's not that Penn and my long-dead partner, Teller, are only ever about one thing, and that's teaching people incredibly minor lessons in the brashest, most bafflingly destabilizing way possible. I'm probably going to carry around this anger for the rest of my life. I mean, you robbed me of the experience of watching my two adorable twin babies grow up.

I only hope that I can find them and that they'll forgive me.

Like, on all of the whole earth. Did I not even mention that? I really shouldn't have paid full price for that show. Blue Man Group celebrates 25 years!

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